Hi Musers. Today we’ll be heading down the mental health path and talking about what you can do to help someone who is struggling. I am by no means an expert on mental health but I wanted to share what I’ve learned in the hopes it will help if you find yourself with a loved one who’s struggling. 

I have experience of depression and anxiety from both sides – the sufferer and the person trying to help. Believe me, neither side is a picnic! Depression in a particular can be a very selfish illness. At times it can be hard not to get frustrated however much you care about the person. I get it. Sometimes you’ll have to take a moment to give yourself a break. That’s ok! In fact, while taking that break you can read this 😃 

Depression – what to do

If a person you love is depressed and they haven’t already done so encourage them to talk to a doctor. The majority of people suffering even moderate depression will not be able to lift themselves out of it on their own. Help of some kind is needed whether it’s medication or counselling or both. If the person is severely depressed – not eating, sleeping, washing, or taking care of themselves at all you may need to call the doctor for them. Sometimes my mental health was so bad I don’t realise it at the time. I lost all sense of self. It was only looking back I realise how deeply depressed I was.

Offer support and let them know you’re there but try not to overdo it. I know you’re worried. You want to check on them. Calling or texting 10 times a day can be overwhelming though. If you don’t live with the person I would advise texting or calling morning and night unless they indicate they’d like more.

When you’re with the person offer them a hug but don’t be upset or offended if they say no. When I’m feeling at my most depressed sometimes all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me I’m going to be all right. At other times I feel that I just can’t cope with other people even if they’re trying to help. I don’t want to be hugged or talked to I just want to be left alone. Again, I know it’s hard when all you want to do is help but it’s about them not you.

What NOT to do

Do not tell them to cheer up or remind them of all the great things in their life they should be happy about. Believe me one of the things I find the most frustrating when I’m very down is the fact that there’s nothing wrong in my life. I know everything is good and I should be happy but I’m not. I hate it! You listing all the numerous things the person should be happy about will make them feel worse. They will not suddenly leap up saying “My God, you’re right! My depression is cured! Hallelujah!”

Another thing that people say to people with depression that I hate is talking about people who have it worse. You know…”cheer up, look at all the people dying from COVID-19, at least you’re not one of them” Two things about this one. Firstly, let’s return to the point I made above. I know that there are people in the world that have a much worse life than me. I’ve already said the quality of my life is not what’s causing my depression so how the hell is that going to help? It’s just another way of telling me I shouldn’t be feeling this way and I know that. As I said it’s one of the hardest things about it.

Secondly, would you say to someone who has just had a car accident and been paralysed below the waist ” cheer up, some people are quadriplegic!” Of course not cos then you’d be a complete asshole. Acknowledging the fact that other people have it worse is not going to help. Most depression is not related to the quality of the person’s life, it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain.

No pressure!

Final don’t. Do not put pressure on them by telling them about the things they’re going to lose if they don’t sort themselves out. Like “you can’t take more time off work, you’ll lose your job.” Or “if you don’t stop moping and start studying you’ll fail your exams and get chucked out of university.” A depressed person does not have the option to “snap themselves out of it!” Depression is not a choice or something you can fight by thinking positively. All statements like this are going to do is make them feel even worse about being such a screw-up. Encourage them to look after themselves, tell them you’re there for them and that their mental health is important. Reassure them it’s not wrong for them to take the time they need.

In a nutshell then, to help someone with depression offer support and be there for them but on their terms. It is not about you no matter how much you care or how worried you are. Do not try to talk them out of their depression, you can’t. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help like cooking them a meal or doing the dishes or getting shopping for them or just listening to them. Finally, if you are worried that they may be considering hurting themselves get them help straight away. It doesn’t matter if you’re not sure it’s better to be safe than sorry.

That’s all folks!

That’s it for part 1 musers, thanks for joining me 😃 I’ll be back in a few days with part 2 where I’ll talk about helping someone with anxiety problems. Please note all my views are personal based on my experiences of depression. They are not professional or medical advice at all. If you would like to share your own experience or ask me anything please pop it in the comments section or contact me directly. See you soon!