Negative self talk. Why it’s vital we learn to give ourselves a break NOW
Hi Musers,
This post goes out to everyone. It doesn’t matter if you’re here for body acceptance posts or mental health posts or you accidentally clicked a link to my blog on Twitter! If you are new, welcome! I’m thrilled you’re here. For returning musers it is so great to see you again.
Today’s post is always important but since the coronavirus raised its ugly head it really has become vital. We’re covering that voice that’s inside all of us. Our harshest critic. One that specialises in nothing but negative self talk. It’s a sad fact that we are always 100 times tougher on ourselves than we would dream of being on others. Any mistakes are so much worse because we are the ones who made them.
- We take a selfie and recoil at how awful we look even though it if was a photo of someone else we’d tell them they look great.
- We miss a session at the gym and feel bad all day and swear we’ll make up for our failure by eating less and working out twice as hard next time.
- We make a mistake at work and even if it’s only a small mistake we tell ourselves we’re useless and stupid and awful at our jobs.
- We snap at a friend because we’re stressed out and having an awful day. Even after we’ve apologised for the 50th time and our friend has forgiven us we tell ourselves inwardly what a piece of shit we are and that we don’t deserve friends.
It has to stop!
We need to stop this negative self-talk. We need to unpack why we talk to ourselves in a way we’d never dream of if we were speaking to our worst enemy, let alone someone we loved. We talk to ourselves more than we talk to anyone else so what we say has a massive impact even if we don’t realise it at the time.
The reason I’ve said it’s even more important now is that a large part of the world has been or is still under lockdown restrictions. Certainly here in the UK this has greatly restricted the number of people I can spend time with. While I was in negative self-talk mode other people were the only reality check I had. If you’re like me your negativity is so constant that sometimes it slips out. You may look in the mirror and cry out “Oh God I’m so fat!” Or maybe you make a mistake and announce “I am so useless at everything!” If your friends and family are anything like mine they’ll say “Yes you’re fat but it doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful” or “Don’t be silly, you know you’re not useless” They may even occasionally tell me to get a damn grip but that’s just how we get down!
We need a positivity injection
The point is everyone needs something to balance out the negativity. Even if that obnoxious, crabby critic in our head yells that they’re wrong we need to hear the opposing side. I’ve had periods where I let my critic have free rein and it led to one of the worst spirals of depression and self-loathing I’ve ever experienced. I was 15. My mum and stepdad were severely depressed and my sister was having her own issues. I was socially awkward so I didn’t have any friends. All I had was that damned voice telling me how fat and stupid and ugly and useless I was. I stopped brushing my hair, did the minimum bathing I could get away with and moved through life like a zombie.
This effect isn’t just related to depression either. I’ve read books which cover struggles with anorexia, problems at work, feeling you have no purpose or direction. The key component I found in all of them was that it started with negative self-talk. A less murderous version of the “Dark Passenger” Dexter referred to in the tv show. Always there whispering poison into your mind. It’s not stating it too strongly to say listening too much to it can ruin your life.
Flip the script
I’m not going to say in the past two years that I’ve stopped having these thoughts. I suspect it’s impossible to get rid of them completely. I have however devised responses to counter them.
I hear “you’re so fat, you should be ashamed”
I respond “No I shouldn’t. I should be ashamed of the years I spent hating my body rather than loving it”
I hear “You’re so stupid, can’t you get anything right?”
I respond “Yes, lots of things. one mistake does not make me hopeless.”
I hear “You’re such a grumpy cow. You should do everyone a favour and stay away from them”
I respond “Yes I’m sometimes grumpy but so is everyone. The people who love me know I’m doing my best”
Give it time
I’m not going to lie and say as soon as you start doing these things suddenly all your negative self-talk will disappear. That you’ll be full of happiness and confidence and sail through life. I really really wish life worked that way but it doesn’t. The key thing is that you’ve developed these negative thoughts one at a time over years. It will take a while if you countering them with positive ones to have an impact. It is not an overnight solution. If you’re anything like me the first few times you try to counter the thoughts you’ll hear sarcastic laughter in your head! Ignore it though. The more you respond positively day after day the more the negativity loses its grip. Eventually, it’ll just be an annoyance to be brushed aside.
So, going back to the start of this article, in these difficult times please learn to give yourself a break! You are not a bad person. You are not ugly. You are not worth it. You are beautiful and intelligent and sexy and kind and most importantly – a Muser! Sending you all love til next time.
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